A Quick Hello

I keep meaning to update and update and yet I seem to have fallen into a pattern of doing 1 of 3 things: 1, working. 2, nothing. 3, knitting.

Once I got some training done at work, I was immediately handed projects. Of course, the first project I am doing has nothing to do with the program I went to Grand Rapids to learn all about, but… whatever. I’m essentially doing an inventory of a space that is sporting some spiffy panels from 1982 and they don’t have an existing floorplan. I’ve had to walk through the space several times, make notes, draft in AutoCAD, go back, etc. etc. I feel like I should of had this done by now, but yet… I’m still working on it.

I have a major, major insecurity at work that I need to nip in the bud immediately. I keep fearing that they will regret hiring me. That they will figure out I have no idea what I’m doing (even though I feel like I DO know what I am doing). That they will focus on the times I take a break during the day to hop on facebook or cnn instead of the fact that I get to work almost every day an hour earlier than my scheduled time (not to mention I stayed late, as in 7pm, twice last week).

I still really enjoy what I do, and I really like the people I work with – I just need to get my fear in check and stop letting it stress me out so much.

Looks like we [I] made it!

…to Grand Rapids anyhow.  The drive wasn’t too awful, but I have to admit, I pulled over at least twice for no other reason than I needed to gather myself and get my mental poop together.  I prepared for the trip by taking a slightly higher-than-normal dose of Xanax, and by watching as many actual self-help videos I could find on YouTube, as most videos under the “help a panic attack” heading are generally videos soliciting advice for the next, best, audio or real book.  Even though this guy’s series’ falls into that category a little, it at least puts it in plain english what the first, and subsequent panic attacks can feel like.

(That video is just the first of a few… but I really thought they were mildly helpful.  I do feel like I want to try the “COME AT ME, BRO!” method… but not while I am driving, of course.)

So tomorrow I’ll drive back and Thursday I might get my first real taste of life on the “inside”, which is what I am calling my new job, though I guess that makes it sound like prison and in my surprisingly PollyAnna brain, it’s anything BUT.  The nuts and bolts of design is always what I liked more about this field anyhow.  I may have taken my first classes largly in part of Paige Davis and her entourage, but once I found out how much more there was to my field… that’s when I really fell in love.

And I know I’m beating a dead horse here, but I really had forgotten about this at my last job. 

Not that this new place will allow me to be overly creative – I mean, it’s still corporate design so there is a large portion of beige and grey (or, the new trend is arctic white and chocolate brown), but it’s helping someone from the ground up that I think will be great - and not just trying to figure out how to save a company money by reusing every scrap of furniture already in existence (while they spend millions of dollars giving their executives fancy new digs). 

Sanity for sale?

Can you put a price tag on your sanity?

I ask this because I know so many people at the moment who are in the misdt of job woes, but in this economy it’s not like they can just up and quit with nothing to fall back on. In a couple cases, a large portion of what is keeping people where they are is the paycheck… understandably so – I’m sure if I hadn’t been let go from my last job I would still be there because the paycheck was nice.

I realize I am still in “new job bliss” mode, but right now my only complaint is that my paychecks are smaller than they used to be. However, I’m so Pollyanna in some aspects that it makes the lack of funds not even really a complaint – it’s more just fact. I’ll figure out a way to make ends meet, and if I stay happy during my day to day, it won’t matter how much I’m making.

I guess I need to remind myself to check in with my brain and see if I’m still as happy as I am now… if not, figure out what will need to change.

I can’t drive 55… literally

I made it to work today via the highway and only had to pull over once to breathe.  While pulled over, I realized it was more scary to be in a still car while 18 wheelers raced by than it was to be driving 55mph along side of them.  I was able to take a deep breath and pull back into traffic safely, all the while telling my car, “Go little Kia, GO!” because sometimes she doens’t like to move when I hit the gas (more like she reminds me, “Yo, bitch..  I’m a Kia – this IS my top speed!)

I wasn’t always this way about driving.  There was a time in my life where I didn’t give any thought to leaving on a Friday night, driving 3 hours north to Georgia, staying the weekend, driving 3 hours home on Sunday evening.  2 evening trips on I-95, also known as DIE-95.  I used to take DIE-4 to work every day, both to downtown Orlando and to Lake Mary.  I even helped drive across the country from Florida to Seattle and then BACK to Florida.  And how many times, when I lived in the Pacific Northwest, did I drive many hours to go see my friend at WWU?? (Come to think of it, that was a 3 hour drive as well.)

I don’t know when or how things changed.  Maybe it’s because I didn’t drive for a few years when I first moved to the city up here.  Maybe I can blame this one on my ex too (since I seem to blame most of the shit that has happened in my life on him) because he was a crappy driver and in his little car I always felt like my life was on the line anyhow (It was a Honda CRV… no airbags, very tiny, very squashable in my mind anyway.)

Maybe it’s just that I can’t get out of my own head sometimes and keep imagining the worst things happening:  I will lose control and end up on the side of the road.  That car that’s on my ass will pull around me to pass me and clip the side of my own car which will send me spiraling across the highway in the wrong direction.  That video I once saw of an 18-wheeler jack-knifing across the highway from the other lane… what if that happens to me? 

I am going to a 2-day training next week and for said training I have to drive 200 miles in each direction.  It is supposed to be a 3.5 hour drive.  Today’s little adventure to work on the highway is how I am trying to get myself ready for next week’s adventure.  Because that’s what it should be, right?  Tossing on a great mix cd with all my guilty pleasure music, singing my heart out where no one can hear me, and before I know it, I’m at my destination.

Bad, Bad Form

Alright.  Here goes.  Full disclosure: I have rejoined eHarmony.

I’m fairly certain I have given just about every online dating website a go at one time or another.  I have met some decent people from said sites, and have even maintained the occasional friendship (Heya, Matt!) from them.  I think it’s the nature of the beast known as The Internet to be a little more critical of someone when you are behind a computer screen, but when I am able to, I would like to share some of the bigger faux pas I may or may not run across. Exhibit A:

What you see above is a blanked out photo from a profile of someone who started a communication with me on eHarmony.

I will repeat: He contacted me on eHarmony… and his profile photo, on eHarmony, was a screenshot of what is probably his profile… at PlentyOfFish.

Seriously, dude? Even if, for whatever reason, you still didn’t have the original photo on your harddrive or on your cellphone, there are a NUMBER of ways for you to remove the watermark from another dating site when posting to another.

Sorry – maybe I am overly fussy (though I did ask a couple gal-pals beforehand if I was being too critical and they all said OH HELL NO!), but that faux pas planted you firmly in the “archive” folder.

This may be my only post like this, or it may be the first of many.  I guess it depends on how successful this round goes.

Reading this, it looks like it hasn’t kicked in today.

I spent a very quiet weekend at home and thought about vlogging several times but decided the lack of desire to put on makeup was trumping any desire to get back into the swing of things on youtube.  I currently have a counter full of pottery to show off too, but it’s all going to have to wait.   I also feel like I am going to run out of ideas for what to throw at the pottery studio soon, as one can probably only have so much pottery, but I really really REALLY like the class/studio so I am in no hurry to quit as of yet.  I’m sure I’ll find home for things eventually…  or be willing to part with some of my lesser liked objects eventually too.

 

I also experimented without taking Adderall this weekend.  Let’s back up a bit, shall we?

 

I the midst of my mess of a time last year (the “dark and twisties”, I called them, and yes.. I stole that term from Grey’s Anatomy), I started seeing a couple new doctors and one asked me to see a counselor within their office.  I only got to see this woman twice (I need to make an appointment with her soon, now that I remember), but within the first session she let me talk for a good 45 minutes and then said:

 

“Has anyone ever mentioned Attention Deficit to you?” 

 

No one ever had, and as she started to go through <a href=”http://helpguide.org/mental/adhd_add_adult_symptoms.htm“> some of the symptoms</a>, it all started to get me wondering if it was entirely possible that I had this. I asked the doctor about it the next time I saw him and he put me on a small dose of Adderall. 

 

Adderall scared the crap out of me.  Of course, it probably didn’t help that I called Josh immediately to ask him his thoughts on it and he, knowing how anxious and heart palpitation-y I can get, told me to proceed with caution.  Which, of course, made me even more nervous.

 

But I took it, and I’ve been taking it, and HOLY CRAP does it help!  It does, however, as previously mentioned, get my heart a racing and, for someone who already wonders what every little thing going on in their body is, it can make me incredibly nervous. 

 

And on the OTHER hand, I find myself reaching less and less for the Xanax to quell a panic attack because when I am on the Adderall, I focus less on the “OMG I’m gonna die now” and instead focus on the task at hand. 

 

The other plus side to Adderall is my scale…  the number that flashes after I have stepped on it is getting closer and closer to starting with a 1, once again, instead of a 2.  I don’t think I have been at a 1XX weight since early 2007.  I am just not hungry on Adderall.  I have to sometimes remind myself to eat.  It could be 3 in the afternoon and I could be in the middle of doing something and realize, “huh..  I have had… a handful of cheerios to eat today.”  Then when I actually DO eat, I don’t binge like I normally would.  A burrito bol from Chipitole used to be an easy task to eat in one sitting.  Now I’m lucky if I can get through half of it (sometimes). 

 

It all makes me wonder…  if I had been on a medication like this before would I have graduated high school instead of getting my GED?  Would I have been able to ace all my college courses instead of cringing every time I had to show my ex (who was helping me get through school) a B on my semester grades?  Would I have actually been able to pass the NCIDQ in one shot instead of having to take it in multiple tries like I will be this year?

 

I guess we’ll see.  In the meantime, I am still very cautious about the medication and want to make sure I give myself “days off” like I did this past weekend.  I totally see how people can become addicted to it, and I do not want to become one of those statistics.  Moderation, baby. 

HAPPY New Year!

I was sitting here finally watching Sarah’s podcast this week (and whenever I try to type in the html, WordPress hates me, so go visit her yourself at www.rainloverknits.com ) and thinking I should vlog. But it’s 7:20 in the evening, lighting at night is crap in my apartment and I honestly have zero desire to put on more than the simple mascara I am sporting today.

So, instead, I write.

Next time I vlog though, I plan to have lots of cool pottery things to show off. I walked into the studio Wednesday night and was greeted by not one, but two of the teachers with, “You had a GREAT firing this week!” Oh hell… Why not just share a couple small pics here, eh?

On the last day of class (last session, I did sign up again!) I didn’t want to throw anything on the wheel so I did a lot of slab (hand) building. I made these little dishes for really no other reason than to test out some glaze combos/techniques. The little pictures on the inside were rubber stamps.

They all have the same basic base glaze, but 4 different glazes sponged on top.

These next 2 pieces just came out really, REALLY cool (I think) from the oven. I made the little dragonfly to go on my desk at my new job (!!!) and the bowl was just… a bowl. Both of these pieces were thrown before the last night of class.

Glazing is such a crapshoot. I think maybe my next vlog will be about this.

So in addition to a good glazing, I had a GREAT first week at my new job. I think a large portion of why things went so well is because I knew some of the people there already so the whole “new kid” thing really didn’t feel like a big deal. Mostly I worked on an Excel spreadsheet this week, pulling up LEED certifications, but even that was a nice learning thing as I have next to no knowledge on LEED, but will need to know this and will probably have to become LEED Certified. First things first – I shall be tackling the NCIDQ again this March (this is the big fancy test that lets me legally call myself a “Designer”). I am going to break it up and not even dare the practicum in March, but I will take the multiple choice section I didn’t pass last April over this year. That reminds me… I should find my flashcards.

Anyhow, the job is really good and, I feel bad saying this, but with unemployment and a good first week, I’m realizing just how unhappy my work environment made me without me even noticing it. While there were some really good apples at my former company, and I certainly was not always the best of them, there was something about the place that really put a damper on my spirits. Now, not to say that in 6 months time I might not feel that way at this new job, but I am going to do my darndest to remember one simple little thing: I am not my job. If I can keep that in mind I will be golden. I think.

Bonus Catnip Footage

Post-Christmas Haze…

These two weeks out of the year can be a make or break for a single, overly-emotional, blame-it-on-the-Pisces-ness gal that I am.  I am trying to focus hard on the “make” portion of these two weeks and not fall into a “break” situation. 

It is also the last week of my unemployment, so I’m trying to mentally gear up for the 40+ hour week that involves more than napping and throwing pottery.  I have to say… the pottery studio is truely how I kept my sanity during these past few months.  Getting messy with clay and actually producing some projects I’m proud of (some more than others) was such a God-send.  I have signed up for the next session and hope to continue with it – even if I can’t go play all day long on a wheel like I would love to. 

Starting tomorrow morning I get to wear a Holter Monitor for 24 hours to figure out there why and how’s of all the little heart flutters I have been having lately.  I have worn one before, but I think it’s been a good 9-10 years since.  Heart flutters and palpitations run in my family and the last time everything came out as benign.  I actually am glad my new doctor thought it would behoove me to wear one – Hopefully I can come out of the experience knowing what the heck my heart is doing at 3am when it wakes me up.  And thankfully, while doing a quick EKG today, they did catch a little blip and that almost never happens in the doctor’s office.  I am sure all will be fine, but I am still happy that I get to be a cyborg while not working, instead of while working!

And then NYE is coming up.  I drove around a little tonight, while listening to a new, re-found song (Transatlanticism by Death Cab for Cutie) thinking about my lack of a kiss date – and then I remembered some of the times I DID have kiss dates they never really ended up being anything to get overly excited about.  So, for now (as it is wednesday, almost thursday), I will plan to spend New Year’s Eve in comfy clothing, perhaps wearing my sexy shoes, on the comfort of my own sofa.  I will crack open the bottle of sparkling grape juice I have, put it in a fancy glass, and even shave my legs – though the only person benefiting from anything of that will be me.  And right now, I think that’s quite alright.

I hope I can keep this “I am woman, hear me roar” mentality up for a few more days.  It sure would be nice!!

Vlog #6: Post Christmas Target Haul

I realized I never posted this here, though it made it on YouTube yesterday.